Turnaround

this year is to me
a story
of sorts
a medley
of mourning
and mending.
Not just peeling back
but
tearing
aching
bleeding.
the kind of pain that makes you feel your heartbeat.

cowardly
i shook my fist at You.
i begged You to make it stop.
i idolized the pleasantness of peace.
please Jesus.
please.
i wanted relief
more than
i wanted You.

and
then,
as a last resort
i clung to You
knuckles white.
i leaned in
desperate to hear
that pulse
so steady
so quiet.
and slowly
ever so
slowly
i felt
Life
course through my veins
and awaken me
to rich
shameless
dependency.

i saw myself as i was
so broken
so at the mercy of my own
failure
my own emotion
my own irrationality.

and then i saw You.
so able
so ready
not resenting me for my need
not dragging your feet
but so unmistakably ready to love
and undeniably strong enough
to fix me.
to heal me.

and now
here i am
leaving this place
with scars
with delightfully shameful reminders
of what was
and what You did
only by mercy
to change me.

i'm leaving this place
with a heart
full of love
full of joy
full of a desperate awareness
that YOU
are all i have.

so here's to hope.
here's to You not giving up on me.
here's to a beautiful turnaround.
a glorious, merciful turnaround.